Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Awesomeness
by Nonbendo
Summary: Link is totally awesome kid who stabs giant spiders to death and fights for Truth Justice, and the Hylian way. Yeah!
1. Chapter 1

This is gonna be the best novelization of ocarina of time ever. that's why it's the ocarina of aweseomnees. wootification for the wooting of the woot.

Disclaimer: Zelda is a pooperty of nintendo. I am not nintendo. I am ninbendo.

Hyrule had a great big forest in it. It had lots of trees and plants and stuff. And there was one great big fat talking tree, known as the Great Deku Tree. He hollered for a fiary called Navi.

"HEY NAVI! IT'S TIME TO GUIDE LINK TO SAVE HYRULE! GO FORTH AND WAKE HIM UP WITH THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND WAKINGS!" Screamed the Great DekLu Tree.

"You don't have to yell," Navi pointed out.

"YEAH I DO, MY MOUTH IS THIRTY FEET TALL, WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSATION MANY TIMES! I ALWAYS WIN AND YOU ALWAYS SAY FAIR ENOUGH AT THE END!" Yelled the Great Dekuj= Tree.

"... fair enough," admitted Navy, them she flew off to link's house.

"LINK WAKE UP!" she screamed directly in his sensitive earhole with the force of a thousand wakings.

Link jumped up in shock.

"You have to go see the Great Deku Tree. And I am to be your fairy now."

Link smiled and nodded happily. Then walked off on his way to see the great deku tree. But when he got that he found that a big jerk named mido was stnading in this way.

"I heard the Great Delu Tree call for you because he's really loud because his mouth is thirty feet, but I'm not letting you go see him. Haha. Ill make you late so he gets mad at you and swallows you whole!" Said jerkass Mido.

"You know since I can flew I can jest go tell on you right?" asked link's brand spanking new Fairy.

"Uh, What I meant is, you need a sword and shield to go see the Great Deku Trog," bsed Mido.

"Why? Does the Great Deku Tree attack his invited guests?" Link asked septically

"Actually, Ink, ti might be a food idea, The Admirable Moko Vine did have a mission for you which might involved slashing and shielding and being generally awesome," splanned Navi.

"Hm... you're right. Without a sword and shield I can only do the third one of those," Link admitted.

Link grinned and wakked off, they walked into a big maze with boulders link had to dodge with his awesome dodging skills, and link solved the maze and got the Kokiri Sward.

Then they went into a store, and determined that the price of a deku shield was 40 rupees, so link left and used his awesome rupee finding skills to find 40 rupees, and bought a deku shield with said rupees. Thus they didst return to the big jerkhead, Mido, Who was a big jerkhead.

"I HAVE A SWORD AND SHIELD NOW LET ME THOUGH!" Yelled Link while screaming and rapidly bashing Mido in the head with his shield.

"FINE!" Screamed Mido, with thirty large lumps swiftly rising out of his head.

And they went to see the Great Deku Radish.

"LINK! AN EVIL JERK WHO HAPPENS TO BE A GERUDO, DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I'M RACIST AGAINST GERUDOS, SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS HAPPEN TO BE GEURDOS BUT NOT THIS GUY BECAUSE HE CAST A PARASITE SPELL ON ME! I JUST WANT TO BE CLEAR I'M NOY RACIST! NOT LIKING PARASITE SPELLS BEING CAST ON ME DOESN'T MAKE ME RACIST! I JUST DON'T WANT A GOHMA MAGIC PARASITE THING TO EAT MY INDIES AND CONTORL ME! YOU DUNT THING THAT'S RACIST DO YOU?!"

"Well, no not really, but the fact that you're so worried about seeming racist is cause for concern, if you're truly not racist you should probably just relax and not worry about it so much. Also I find it difficult to believe that some of your best friends are gerudos, given that none of us have ever met a single Gerudo, and have only heard of them in stories." Link explained, then threw a grapplin hook and swung into the Great Deku Tree's gargantuan piehole.

"Link, you could have just walked inside, you didn't need a grappling hook." Navi commented.

"Yeah, I know, but using a grappling hook is fun, anyway, we should look around."

Link looked around and saw that the inside of the Big Great Tree was Great Big, which made sense because he was a great big Tree. But what he found odd was that there were torches and bats and treasure chests. Link slashed the bats to death, and then walked up a thing. He got to a chest that had a map of the Great Deku Tree's insides for some reason, and found he had to climb vines from there, except there were spiders so he had to throw some shit at them to murderate them first. He did find a slingshot after easily dispatching a dumb Deku scrub whose only tactic was firing slow moving seeds at him which made that process easier. Then he got to the top of the inside and there was a giant bigass skulltula in the way, and because there was no way up anymore, link relaized he had to jump to the bottom where a web was in the center of the floor. So he took out his sword and leapt onto the spider stabbing it in the eye repeatedly, breaking it's web and knocking it through the web at the bottom, and link and the spider fell through and the spider was squashed with the force of a thousand squashings and link jumped off the spider as they landed and backflipped onto a nearby ledge. The spider being squished took enough of the force of the fall to prevent link from getting hurt, exactly as link planned.

"My superior awesomeness saves the day!" link boasted, but then remembered he was far from done, "Right, Where's this Gohma bitch, bastard or nonbinary individual who happens to be an asshole?"

"Bitch," Navi explained, "The gohma is female and identifies as such, so there's no need to worry about inclusiveness in this case."

"Ah, I see, fantastic, that makes things much simpler," Link said, while blowing bubbles through a toy tobacco pipe that blows bubbles just to horse around.

"Well, what complicates it is that I've never been in here. So we'll just have to explore and find our way," Navi explained. And so they did. The map helped.

After awesoming his way through some stupid traps that were easy and therefore not worth explaining in detail, link found a stupid deku scrub that tried to attack him by shooting slow moving deku seeds at him like an idiot. Link used his shield to deflect the seeds back at the Deku scrub. The deku scrub then explained the correct order to defeat 3 more deku scrubs that he would later encounter. Link defeated them and entered the lair of Gohma. Gohma Climbed down and roared loudly at Link, but Link was in no mood for such bullshit malarckey, so he hucked a Deku Nut directly into Gohma's eye. The nut flash banged broudly and lightly, and Gohma huddled on the ground in agony. Link took this opportunity to slice out Gohma's eyeball. Fearing further injury, Gohma used Tibetan Buddhist yoga biofeedback practices to cause her heartbeat to beat as fast as possible, causing herself to bleed out. Link got a magical heart thingy that made him tougher and was then teleported out by a magical circle that teleported him out.

End of chaper

I feel this is a good start. Now you might be wondering where Gohma learned Tibetan Yoga biofeedback practices. It's quite simple really. In one of her past lives Gohma was a Tibetan Buddhist, and she knew her past lives thanks to Tibetan Buddhist past life remembering practices, which allowed her to remember how to use Tibetan Buddhist Yoga biofeedback Practices. I'm aware that Tibet doesn't exist in Hyrule, but I for one hope that reincarnation is not limited to this dumbboring universe we exist in. How much would that suck?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 of a funtastic Zelda story! A really cool Ocarina of Tim novelization, yo!It are gud!

Disclaimer: the funny thing about zelda bean mine is that it isn't. Instead, it belongs to nintendo. As I am ninbendo the mistake is understandable but not forgivable, you terrible person.

Tanks for loving my story enough to come back and read it. Kaboom say these tanks and they give you hugs. Tank hugs.

Link was in front of the Great Jako Hyacinth. The grand pubaa bush said apologetically, "YEAH, SO I SHOULD PROBABLY TELL YOU THAT WHILE IT WAS AWESOME HOW YOU KICKED GOHMA'S ASS, IT WAS POINTLESS AS I WAS ALREADY DOOMED. WELL EXCEPT THE FACT THAT GOHMA WAS PREVENTING ME FROM REINCARNATING AFTER I DIE. AND EVENTUALLY THE FOREST WOULD HAVE DIED. BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YET."

"Uh... yes I do, you just told me," Link said.

"I MEAN YEAH I BLEW IT. UM ACTUALLY DO YOU THINK IT WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS ANY COOLER IF I HID FROM YOU THE FACT THAT EVENTUALLY I WOULD HAVE FOR SEVEN YEARS?" The Majestic Babalooberry Ficus asked.

"No not really. Actually it would seem like a very forced plot twist to me when it was revealed and would probably annoy me quite a bit because one would think it was something you would tell me as you were dying so I wouldn't feel guilty," Link responded.

"HUH. NO HARM DONE THEN I SUPPOSE. BUT ANYWAY I'MA GIVE YA A GREEN ROCK NOW. YOU HAVE TO GO TALK TO THE PRINCES AND THEN GO GET A RED ONE AND A BLUE ONE. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?" The Great Dekora Ostrichfruit Grass asked.

"The instructions do. Why I have to do that doesn't," Link explained.

"BLARGH! I AM DEAD!" the Great Rotting Corpse of a Dead Tree that was Once a Deku Tree said because he was dead.

Link sighed sadly, "He may not have been the greatest tree daddy in the world... well actually I don't know how many there are, he may have been the only one-"

"He was the only one," Navi said.

"Okay so he technically was the greatest tree daddy in the world. He was pretty cool overall really. But he was a closet racist against the gerudo, hidden even from himself. Still none of us are perfect, and we should remember the good things about him. How he would shade us from the sun. how he would allow us to use his leaves as umbrellas in the rain. How he would bonk mido on the noggin whenever he would act like a grumpy idiot, though not every time. He will be missed," link said.

"That was beautiful," Navi said wistfully, "at least for an eleven year old. We should go."

"Yeah," Link replied.

On their way out Mido chose to be an infuriating little asshat.

"Wait a minute. Did you allow the Great Deku Tree to perish?"

"Not now, Mido," Link said.

"No no, it's totally fine that you killed the Great Deku Tree," Mido said. "He's only the tree father of the whole village after all."

"Leave it, Mido!" Link said irritably.

"I'm gonna kick your butt," Mido screeched, so link shot him in the nuts with a sling shot, and when he fell to the ground in pain walloped him on the nogginyhead with his shield, knocking him unconscious.

"Bye mido," Link muttered walking out of the forest forever, but when he walked halfway across the bridge Saria came and starting crying sadly.

"You're leaving aren't you?" Saria cried sadly.

"Oh, yeah, The Great Deku Plant gave me a mission," Link said regretfully.

"I always knew you'd leave one day. Here, take this ocarina. It's an ocarina," sadly cried Saria, handing him an ocarina. It was an ocarina.

"Hey, cool an ocarina. I still remember when you taught me to play the ocarina," Link said looking at the ocarina fondly. It looked just like an ocarina. He put his lips to the mouth blow thingy and played the song she taught him a long time ago, which was creatively named "Saria's Song." It sounded just like he was playing Saria's Song on an ocarina.

"Nice job link," Cried Saria sadly but now a little happily, too, "It sounded just like you were playing Saria's song on an ocarina."

"Shouldn't you just call it your song?" Link asked.

"Well I did, but in third person. That's the song's title, after all," Saria sadly but a little happily recried.

"Okay, well, I have to go. Toodles," Link explained, then ran off out of the forest and into the great big Hyrule big field. As Link tromped through the Hyrule big field, he played Saria's song on the ocarina whilst dancing an irish jig, and then discovered the oddity that the song was magic and he could talk to saria while playing it. But there was some big flying things that attacked so link had to stop playing to draw his sword and shield and roll under beneath them and stab them on the soft spiky thing that on their underbelly, which killed them instantly.

"What were those things?" Link asked.

"Those were Pee Hats!" Navi said. "Their one weakness is their soft underbelly spike thing. Everything else upon their body is impervious to all swordsmanship, though a bomb might work, we have no bombs."

"You're a terrific encyclopedia, Navi. Thanks for all your exposition," Link Gratituded. Navi blueshed.

Soon it was getting dark.

"Link, we should get somewhere to stay the night, like that big old walled ranch over there," Navi said, pointing to the big old walled ranch in the middle of Big Hyrule Field.

"I require no sleep and fear no skelemons!" Link declared mightily, "but okie dokes." Just then 5,000 skelemons appeared. Link drew his sword and shield, and killed one to death by whacking it with his shield, then rolled between one's legs and pulled the heads off two more and threw said heads at two more. But then he was in the middle of a bunch of them so he did a ultra spin attack, killing all the skelemons. But suddenly a super duper giant skeleton came out. It towered over the ranch, and threatened to step on the ranch. But Link was in no mood for such ludicrous cockamamie. He leapt into the air, sword pointed forward, and burst through the skelemons head, crumpling it to dust instantly. Link went into the ranch and asked if he could sleep their. The girl who was there had seen link kill the super huge skelemon, and was happy to obligate. The morning next malon who's daughter owner of asked link to wake Talon her daddy up with a big blue chicken.

"Hey link, look, we have horsed," yelled malon.

"Neatoriffic!" Link exclaimed happily.

The horses were eating grass. Link petted one. It made the sound of a horse.

"Aah! It mouth farted at me!" Link jumped, then smacked it on the nose. "Bad horse. Don't mouth fart at me!"

"Easy! Haven't you ever seen a horse before, you don't smack them it's mean," Malon admonished.

"Oh, sorry, no I haven't seen a horse before, there weren't any in the forest," link apologized, and resolved to smack no more horses unless they tried to eat his noggin. Then a small baby foal horse came up to link and headbutted link.

"It's headbutting me! Does it want to kill me?" Link asked worriedly.

"No, that's Epona, she likes you. I actually have a song to call her," Malon hummed a song. Link played the song upon his ocarina. He leaned Epona's song. Epona licked him.

"K, well bye!" Link ran up and grappling hooked over the ranch wall for no reason.

"Link you could have just walked out the other way, you didn't have to use the grappling hook," Navi pointed out.

"I like using the grappling hook. Don't judge me!" Link said irritably. And then they traversed Big Hyrule Big Field some more. "Hey look it's Hyrule castle," Link said pointing at hyrule castle which was just coming into view.

Link played Saria's song on the ocarina and danced an irish jig some more as he traveled toward hyrule castle. They got there is a few hours. Link entered and some guards came to yell at him because he was dancing in public and ordered him to stop.

Link gave them a glare, "I shall never stop! For the fun in my heart demands that I dance the traditional dance of the kokiri while playing the ocarina!" so they tried to kill him for not stopping. But Link knew they were just doing their jobs, so he was merciful and only knocked them unconscious. Then Link walked through the big gate thingy that leads to the road to the castle. He saw there was one inept guard at the locked gate, so rather than bothering to talk to him, which would obviously be a boring waste of him, Link chose to do it the fun way by climbing up a vine covered wall thingy. Then it was quite simple to run across the top of the gate. At one point link was spotted, so he threw a deku nut which flash banged broudly and lightly and hid in the bushes until they dismissed it as the wind.

He found Talon, who was sleeping in front of some milk crates instead of delivering them like he was supposed to. Link now understood why Malon wanted him to wake her father up. This man was lacy. He was also big and fat. Link held up the blue cucco, which crowed with the force of a thousand crows.

"What in Tarnation!" Talon screamed as woke and saw a blue cucco chicken roster held by Link. Realizing that blue cuccos were grown by his daughter he became afeared with horror and ran off in the direction of ranch lon lon.

Link rolled his eyes at the spectacle. Then moved the big milk crates such that he could climb upon them, and jumped into a square hole in the wall that was across the moat. He continued to sneak and went in the garden where Princess Zelda was in all her glory, which wasn't much yet because she was about his age, but looks could be deceiving, after all he was pretty damn awesome.

"Hi," said Zelda.

End of 2 chapter.

It's kind of my headcanon that kokiri have a similar style of dance to irish jigs, since they both wear green and Kokiri are sort of like leprechauns. Plus it's cool. But I didn't think anyone would know what I was talking about if I said a kokiri jig.


	3. Chapter 3

The third chapter of ocarina of awesomeness is this and begins with a disclaimer like all godd fanfiction does for reasons that aren't actually all that legalistically great.

Disclaimer: With this disclaimer I do hereby reject the idea that I own anything zelda related. Other than a copy of each game of course, but that's of corpse different than the coopyright.

And so zelda told link all about the gerudo king who was likely a big smelly jerkhead because they had dreamed about evil clouds. The evil clouds were obviously Ganondorf king in disguise because he had cast an evil spell to make the king his salve.

"Don't worry Zelda, I shall beat him up." Link declared, and almost opened the window and went in there before Zelda stopped him.

"No link, I believe he can only be defeated with the master sword, which you need the spiritual stones of the zora and goron tribes to get," Zelda explained.

Link sighed exasperatedly, "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, we'll do it your slow way, god."

"Thank you, Link," Zelda replied great fully.

"So I guess I'll go get the spiritual scones," Link said, and shot out the castle window with his slingshot, then rushed towards it and leaped out the window. He began to fall toward the moat, so he threw a deku nut into the water to deform the surface of the water before he hit it so that it wouldn't kill him, but then he noticed a tree so instead he grappling hooked the tree and spun around the branch twice then landed safely. Then he jumped in the water because swimming is fun.

"So... Gorns or Zoras first/" Link asked. Navi didn't answer right away though. "Navi, you okay?"

"Hm... oh yeah, sorry you asked that question in an odd tone. I think you should go to the Gorons first," Navi replied, "They eat rocks." so link ran through big hyrule great field to a deaf mountain called death mountain. Being deaf as most mountains are due to their lack of ears, it didn't hear him approach, but the people in Kakariko Village were not deaf or blind so they saw and heard him enter. And they stared, because they had never seen a kid wearing green with a fairy before. So link had to say something.

"What are you staring at? Ain't you ever seen a green wearing kid with a fairy before?" Link asked.

"No," they all said except for a few people who had been to the forest, and one of those people said, "Yes, but I thought Kokiri couldn't leave the forest."

"Well I was able to just fine, I don't know about the others," Link replied, then started dancing a kokiri jig and went off to the graveyard, and the people were very confusilladed. Suddenly, link felt a presents behind him. It was a creepy old guy, who introduced himself as Damp.

"Hey kid, I'm Damp," Said Damp.

"I'm Link. Nice to meet you, though you're kind of scary looking. It's actually pretty cool."

The Gravekeeper chuckled. "I like you kid."

"So what do you do around here," Link axed.

"I keep the graves. And sometimes I dig them up to steal people's stuff for money," He replied.

"I see nothing morally objectionable about that," Link said with a grin.

"Yeah, you can get some really cool stuff that way. Here, have a hookshot," Damp said, handing him a hookshot.

"Hey, you're not supposed to give him that till he's older!" Navi protested.

"Why not?" asked Damp.

"The gods and godees decreed that he not get it till then, and we shouldn't question that. You have to race him for it when he's older."

"Nah, it's more fun this way," Disagreed Link.

"I'm incriminated to agree," chuckled Damp.

"If the gods have a problem with it they can come down here and I can kick their butts along with Ganondork's," Link boasted.

"His name is Ganondorf," Navi protested.

"I didn't misspeak," Link replied.

Navi sighed in frustration, so link went to a big grave and played zelda's lull a bye, the grave exploded.

"Everyone's a critic," Link complained.

"No, Link, I think it was meant to do that, as some kind secret passage, look," Navi said, pointing unnecessarily at the big hole it left behind.

"Ah, well, if that's the case," Link replied and jumped into the hole. But he found zombies.

"Those aren't zombies, those are redead, they're reanimated corpses but mummified with sheikah clay, and they eat your brains," Navi explained.

"So how are they different from zombies?" Link asked.

"Zombies aren't mummified with sheikah clay!" Navi said as if it were completely obvious. While they talking one of the redead shrieked in a way that somehow froze link, but Link made his will save and unfroze himself, then slashed the redead with the force of a thousand slashings. It redied. Then link left across pools of acid to doge the redead. Then he saw a gravemarker thingy with the sun's song on it, and played it to learn the sun's song. The redead were all frozen, so link got out a pogo stick and bounced back to the start of the cavern just to horse around.

Then link went back to down and there was a woman crying because she lost her cuccos. So Link did what any reasonable hero would do and raced around town on a unicycle capturing the woman's wayward chickens, and tossing them back in their obviously too small fence. The woman gave him a bottle as thanks. Then link went up to the gate and gave the guard a letter from Princess Zelda the guard laughed, "What kind of game is Zelda playing? Alright kid, this goes against my better judgment but if you're the hero I guess I have to let you through." he opened the gate. "Also, could I ask a favor, I can't leave the guard post, could you pick up something from the Hyrule castle town Bizarre for my son's birthday. I know it's not really a reasonable..." the guard was shocked as link ran off to hyrian town bizarre and back with a keaton mask before his sentence. "How about this keaton mask?" Link asked.

"PERFECT!" SCREAMED THE GUARD WITH IMMENSE AND UTTER GLEE, "MY SON LURVES KERATON!111"

"Sorry, got a little excited there, here you go," Said the guard, giving link 4,000,000 rupees for the mask, so link went and bought a house.

Link grappling hooked and hook shotted up the mountain with the speed of a thousand grappling hooks and hookshots and got to the goron village. There were some really big bug thingies on the way so link jumped on them and squashed them. They squashed just like small bugs, to be honest. So link had to go down to the bottom of groin village and there was a sealed rock door made of rock with a seal on it.

Link saw the triforce symbol on the rug and played zelda's lull a bye. He went in and there was big grumpy goron.

"Grump!" Said the grumpy goron. "My people are starving, and the royal family sends a kid. And you went the gorons ruby, well then you have to kill the dodongos in the dodongos cavern to prove you're manly enough to possess it!"

"K," Link said and went to dodongo's cavern. There was a big rock in the way, but Link was in no mood for such ridiculous shenanigans, and stabbed the rock, instantly smashing it to dust, then simply walked in.

this feels like a good sport to end chapter 3. I could have sworn lull a bye was one word but I type it without spaces my Spelling Chequer marks it as wrong. Weird. But maybe the mist ache is in the checker since it doesn't recognize goron, hyrule, or zora either.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own the legend of Zelda, but I do own the lolegend of bobfernicusalagooparoop, because I just made that up, but because I just made it up it's not a story yet so it really doens't matter.

Link was now in Dodongo's cavern. It was currently a cave room but when he went through the doorway it opened into a really big room with a dodongo head on the other Sid. There was a lave pit in the center of the room with a big pillow in the middle and four rising and descending pillows surrounding it. Also there was a spinny statue thing on the center pillow.

"Careful Link, that spinny statue thing is a beamos. If you get too close to it it will shoot frickin' laser beams at you."

So Link jumped onto the one pillow, and then onto the center pillow. The beamos started firing frickin' laser beams at Link, but Link smacked the frickin' laser beams back at the beamos with his shield, which blew it up. Then link jumped on the eastern pillow and over to the other thing cliff. Be went into a room, and had to fight a dong. He slashed it a lot on the tail and it died. But Link didn't know yet that drongoes explode when you kill them, so when the dodong exploded Link had to shield fast and was thrown against the wall by the kaboom. Link then had to move a status onto a switch to cause a door to unlock, and he climbed up a thing. And went in the room. It was dark, and link had to light brassieres and fight roar dododos. They tried to breath fire at him but link blocked with his deku shield. When link lit the last brassiere the door unlocked. There were giant stairs so link blew them up so he could walk up them. But first he blew up a wail and walked in and got the compass by smashing some big armos statues. Then at the top he fought some swordshield lizards

"THEY'RE LIZALFOS!" Yelled Navy.

Link shielded from the swords with his shield, and slashed the lizards with his sword and then they juped away but came back and link slashed them away till they dead. Link then went a door a room with sliding floor spikes called spike blade trap thingies. Likn jumped over the first one from the thing he climbed into the room on. He threw a bom flower at a crack wall which blue up. He went in and their was a ring ring pillow and an eye on the wall. Link shot the eye with his slingshot and the fire ring disappeared so he jumped on the pillow and across. There were baby dongs and link spinned attack them. Then link fought the lizardalfos again. Then there was more fire pillows to cross and more eyes to shoot so Link did, and he found the bombbag.

"Hey, there's even 20 goshdarn bombs in it!" Link said excitedly.

Link tromped on a switch which caused the rising falling pillow to rise the up level. So he went up and dropped bombs into the eyeballholes of the dodongo skill below. The bombs exploded like bombs and the month opened. So link leapt down and grappling hooked the bride, and then swung into the dodongo skulls gargantuan pie hole, and down another hole where a gigantic dong was waiting for him.

The giant doodongo roared loudly as it roared. It was huge and it's legs and tail were like sequoia trunks, it towered over link threateningly. And it inhaled to breathe fire. But link was in no mood for such asinine absurdity. He grabbed the dongo's mouth and held it shut. Causing all the fire to blow back into the dodongo. When the don't dongo's butt was glowy and red, link knew it was time, so he dumped all his bombs into the dodono's mouth, then forced it to swallow. The dodongo was blown up by the bombs it had been forced to eat, dinosaur blood and guts spewing all over the place. It was quite unpleasant, so link dodged the spewy guts with his awesome dodging skills. Then he got another magic heart thingy that made him toughter and stepped in another telepoetry glowy circle that teleported him out. Then darunia came and swore his brotherhood with link and gave him the spiritual scone of fire, also known as the Goner's Ruby.

"WOOT," shouted Link Triumelephantly, "Now there is but one more to go!" Then he put on a false moustache for no reason.

"Wait, who are you and what have you done with link?!" Darunia asked, then tried to punch link.

"Sorry," Said Link taking off the mustache, "didn't mean to fool you like that."

"Aww it's cool, but who was that guy with mustaches," Darunia asked.

End of chaper 4.

It's sort of short, sorry. I kind of whatted to get through dodrongo's capybara though. Hope you loved the chapter. Good night and have a pleasing tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

After twenty minutes of trying to explain it became apparent that Groins don't understand the concept of disguises, so link put the false moustache back on and ran around writing graphite on the walls and doing other harmless yet annoying pranks at the gorons. They chased him with great rage, and seeing that it was clearly distressing them, link removed the false moustache and cleaned up all the Graphite, which said silly things like "Groin village," and "this is gravity". Instead link asked for directions to the zoa village and then went a completely different route but found the way anyway because he's awesome like that.

"Link, why'd you ask the gorons for directions if you weren't going to follow them?" Navi asked curiously.

"I am under no obligation to follow directions just because I asked for them. I am a free spirit, and will be bound to no law, not even that of logic or reason. My heart is the heart of the wind and sky, and my soul is a flame that can't be tamed, so I ask you Navi, will you follow me to the end of all reason," Link asked with pure will.

And an echo of that will chimed within Navi, awakening the awesomeness within, "I will follow you anywhere, Link!" Navi said admiringly.

"K! Let's go see the Zoraffes," Link said so they went. There was a wall with a gate but the gate was open and not there so link was able to just go thorough it. There was a ocktrok, but all it did was spit slow moving rocks at link like some sort of dumbass so link deflected the rocks back at the octrokotor, which promptly died.

Then link continued on and ran up a thing, and swam through a thing and played the ocarina for some frogs who gave him a piece of heart and lots and lots of rupess. So link went on because he knew a limited amount of snogs at the moment. He waited through a river thingy and up on the ledge that was after it, then he leapt into the sky and slammed down with his sword just to horse around. Navi clapped this time instead of questioning it, for the chaotic will that had awake end within her heart chimed in lovely resonance with the resounding kaboom.

There were some dirt bridge natural thingies before a water full ahead so link jumped across them them, and then there was a thing on the ground that had the triforce cymbal on it so link played zelda's lullaby with the force of a thousand playings, which evaporated the waterfall with the force of a thousand evaporations, and then a big mountain damned up at the top of the waterfall preventing it from growing back like waterfalls normally would when you evaporated them. Link jumped into the Zora cave. It was big.

There was lots of water, and link swam through it and talked to the zoras who directioned him to the king zora king. Then there was a zora at the top of a giant waterfall who said "I bet you 1,000,000 rupees and a silver gold scale you're too scurred to to jump off this here waterfall!" Link responded by instantaneously jumping off the waterfall the jiffy that the zora finished the sentence. Then he got his prize ruppees and prize silver sliver slale. Then went to talk to zing kora.

"Sup?" Link asked. Then the guards came and tried to stab him for not saying your majesty and other such nonsensical words that only exist to verbally fellate royalty just for being royalty. So Link shielded himself from their attacks. King Merdudeguy said "Nothing much, our deity Jabu Jaboob ate my daughter who is princess Ruto, which kinda sucks, but that's about it."

"K! I'll go save her," said Link, still blocking and dodging all the spearing attempts and also started playing saria's song and dancing a kokiri jig again while blocking and dodging them. He jigged into the jibber jabber's house and saw that he was a big fat whale while saying hi how are you to saria who said pretty good how are you back. So he picked up a fish and threw it at jaboob jaboob and jabber jibber ate link and the fish and all the zora's that where still attempting to attack him.

Link saw the jabberer's jangly dangly throat thingamajig and realized that shooting it with his slingshot would open the door, but then thought it would be much more funner to throw a crate, grab another crate, jump on the first crate, throw the second crate, jump on the second crate, jump off the second crate, and kick the dangly throat thingamajig. So link threw a crate, grabbed another crate, jumped on the first crate, threw the second krate, jumped on the second great, jumped off the second crate, and kicked the dangly throat thingamajig. And after Link threw a crate, grabbed another crate, jumped on the first crate, threw the second crate, jumped on the second crate, jumped off the second crate, and kicked the dangly throat thingamajig, the gook on the door ungrew, and the door opened. So clearly throwing a crate, grabbing another crate, jumping on the first crate, throwing the second crate, jumping on the second crate, jumping off the second crate, and kicking the dangly uvula throat thingamajig had been a good idea.

"I'm sure glad that I threw a crate, grabbed another crate, jumped on the first crate, threw the second crate, jumped on the second crate, jumped off the second crate, and kicked the dangly throat thingamajig ," Said link proudly.

"Me too," Said Navi with admiration, "Also it's called a uvula in case you didn't know."

Link started to go through the door when Navi spoke up. "Link, that was really cool how you threw a crate, grabbed another crate, jumped on the first crate, threw the second crate, jumped on the second crate, jumped off the second crate, and kicked the uvula, would you mind throwing a crate, grabbing another crate, jumping on the first crate, throwing the second crate, jumping on the second crate, jumping off the second crate, and kicking the uvula again."

Link smiled, happy that Navi was beginning to understand the fun of the truest soul. "Sure Navi, I'll throw a crate, grab another crate, jump on the first crate, throw the second crate, jump on the second crate, jump off the second crate, and kick the uvula again." and so Link threw a crate, grabbed another crate, jumped on the first crate, threw the second crate, jumped on the second crate, jumped off the second crate, and kicked the uvula again. Link went threw a moving green hallway and through another door to find princess ruto falling into a goop hole. Link went after her and she started speaking spoiled brat which Link did not speak so he put her in a bottle and moved on. Then link went through some roms with some enemies that were easy to kill so he did, and he hit a switch that put more water in a room so he could swim up a thing. Then link slingshotted some stinger ray mantis to get a cool magic boom a rang.

Then link cut down some tennis balls with his boomerag. There was a platform with the zora's ruby on it and link threw ruto at it who came out of the bottle and grabbed it, but was elevated up by the platform which was an elevator so it elevated. Then a giant bigass ocktorocktopocktopusper came down and started chasing link around in a big circle. But link was in no mood for such absurd porpoise poop. He ran around fast and cut open the giant bigass giant octroctopoos' back and shoved a bomb in there which asploded killing the bigocto instantly.

"I AM LINK, DESTROYER OF EVIL!" Roared Link with awesomeness! Then he remembered there was more to do. "Right, Where'd Ruto go?" he asked.

"Up," replied Navi. So link hookshotted up to see a big old electricky mutant sphere jellyfish anemone thingy.

"that's a brainade!" Said navi. "Barinades are big old electricky mutant sphere jellyfish anemone thingies that attack with electricity!"

The Barinade electricked and made anemone noises that were kind of like roars but gurglier. But link was in no mood for such preposterous porpoise poop and boomeranged the barnade to death with his boomerang and then slashed it to death with his sword, finally he bombed it to death with his bombs. After killing the brained to death, a glowy blue rock came out with ruto and said "Excellent work Link, you have all three of us spurty stones now you need the ocarina of tim. Go get it from zelda." and ruto said something or other in spoiled brat language. Link didn't know what it meant, but the stone said "Really, to worry about such nonsense as engagement when the world is threatened. How typical of a princess."

Link wasn't sure what engagement was, but he was all "I must take the stone now and go to the temple of time, fare thee well, dear zora princess of brattiness!" and rode off into the sunset on a unicycle while juggling fish.

Also, the next day jabu jabu vomited up all the zora guards he had eaten earlier, but that's another story.


	6. Chapter 6

Now it is time for the next chapter of this story that I have written the next chapter four!

Disclaimer: I don't own the legend of zelda, but what I do own is very little. I own a nintendo switch, but not the rights to the nintendo switch so I wouldn't legally be able to make one and sell it. That would be wrong.

Link had the three spurty rule stones so he ran up a thing and toward the castle. Running through the big hyrule field big took a while, but link was riding a unicycle and juggling fish so since he was good at unicycling he went faster, and then epona, sensing that the link she had bonded to was in danger because she was very good at being a horse, jumped over the lon lon ranch fence and came to link's aid. So link jumped on epona's saddled back while still on the unicycle juggling fish and they went even faster. In navi's mind she reminisced on the fact that before yesterday she would have been confused by this, but her soul now saw beyond the cruel lies of this world. The world was a big bully that went around binding people and forcing them to live by its rules, but link was the true soul, to bring light and truth to a cruel world that binds people in chains of restriction. Restriction is bad wrong, and link is good, and his courage would bring power and freedom to a world void of either. He was the light that would drown out the sorrow and disgrace of existence in such a heartless and cruel world.

Then ganon ran out of hyrule castle town chasing zelda, and for the first time, link dropped one of his fish, slipping on it and was sent flying toward hyrule castle. Meanwhile, zelda dropped the ocarina of time, and ganon's evil black horsey of evilness kicked the ocarina flying toward link, who caught it and went crashing into the temple of rime. Link crashed into the ground, mouth first on the mouthpiece of the ocarina, breathing in such a way as to accidentally play the song of time, then slid through the doorway of time, across the floor of time, and grabbed onto and accidentally pulled the master sword of time out of the pedestal of time. And then it was seven years in the future, and there was an old guy named Roaru.

"Hey link! You know, kid, even when you screw up you're pretty amazing. Oh guess you're not a kid anymore," Roar said and looked down at himself, and realized he was 18.

"Hey, this means I can have sex with pretty women, cool beans," Link realized, realizing he was 18 now.

"Yes, Yes it doesn't," Roar replied, "Pretty awesome, right? Oh and also you can weld the master sword and use it to slice up ganon to death, but I mean you could have done that before like you'll do when you're in the windwaker."

"Yep," agreed Link, then remembered what happened and suddenly started crying suddenly.

"I made a mistake! Is zelda ok?" Link asked while sobbing.

"Zelda Aleve doN'T worri, but don't worry, everone mistakes," Roaroo consolidated.

Link sniffed, "Yeah, I guess you're right. You know, I thought being the truest soul meant I was immune to mist aches, and that being enlightened would mean I'm omniscient, but I guess even if you know everything there's still some things left to learn," Link said wisely.

"Indeed," Roar agreed.

"But I can fox my mistake by killing ganon in this timeline and then going back and killing him back then, thus killing him in both timelines and saving the day in both timelines," Link shouted cheeredupily.

"YEAH!" Roared Roar.

And link jumped back down to hyrule from the up in the spurty place.

And then shriek showed up and told link to get his butt to the foe rest temple and beet up the ganon phantom ganon and link said not to rush him because it wasn't the time but it would be five minutes from now.

"Link-"

"No," refused Link, "I do things when I will, doody is a binding restriction of a flawed world. Now, I shall go and vanquish this phantgantomton. Not because it is my duty, but because it is my duty!" and then link ran off with the speed of a thousand runnings.

Shriek felt very confused, and looked at the back of his hand. "Could you explain?"

"You are not ready to know," replied the trifork of wisdom.

Shriek cried sadly at not knowing.

Meanwhile, link went and awesomed his way through twisty rooms, hurricane slashing his way through the entire dungeon, and murderating all the anemones and destructing hallway walls by ripsmashing through them with his master sword. Then he ran up a thing that was some stairs and fought some poos that were hiding in phramed photographs on the wall.

He hurricane slashed back into the main room and the poo ghosts that was in the room died and dyed some torch fire different colors and opened a stair floor dooramajig. And Down the stairs link went while eating a tasty chili dog with grilled onions and ketchup and mustard and mayo and relish and hot sauce and cold sauce and lukewarm sauce and cheddar cheese and cream cheese and all the other kinds of cheese and drinking a 480 ounce cherry doctor pepper from sonic.

"Thanks sonic," Said link, "but you should probably be getting back to your own game."

So sonic the hedge frog, who I don't own, ran off back to his own game.

Then link went into the boss room and saw Gannom Phenton. Link suggested settling their conflict over a friendly game of doge ball. Ganny Phantom agreed, but then he cheated by going in and out of photographs on a horse. Link was enraged, for he was in no mood for such insane codswallop. He hurricane span, destroyign all the paintings and killing Fantom Ganny instantaneously.

And then link saw his childrenhood friend Saria, who informed that she was now a realized sage of the forest. And suddenly she transformed into the age she is except only 18 which was a legal adult, so they had sex but since this is a teen story that will be written in a different M or AO rated fic at a later time maybe. And they were sad because Saria had to live in the scarred realm with the other sages, but then link remembered that with saria's song he could talk to her whenever he wanted. So he played it now just to horse around.

"Hey saria," Link said into the ocarina.

"Hi, Link," She giggled. "I'm happy that I'll still be able to hear from you sometimes. You're the best friend ever!"

and then Link went.


	7. Chapter 8

It is the time for the newest chapter 8 of this story, thank you all for all your all wonderful reviews which were wonderful and I loved them, except for the weird ones that thought I was smoking on drugs, and the one that asked me to be an ocean. If I was pacific, I'd be an ocean, which is bad because I'd drown in myself.

Discaimer: I doesn't own legend of zelda.

It was easy to relax after beating the forest temple, but then link heard the Gorons screaming for help from Mt. Doom. So he went but he remembered also that lon lon ranch exited so he ran off there instead. His horse Epona was locked in chains to a wall and it was hurting her, which made link enraged, so he called the SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS on his smart phone which came out in an SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS truck and made Ingo unlock Epona and then they whacked Ingo with really big clubs until he died. (AN: I don't own the SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS.)

Then Link petted Epona on the noggin and she made the sound of a happy horse happily. Link climbed on Epona and she galloped off. Ordinarily, this would mean she was out of control but link was far too awesome for such nonsense, and simply nudged Epona here and there in the correct directions like a hand show racing gal lop. So Epona galloped on Link to Mountain Death.

In Karikoko before Mt. Da'ath, there were people doing nothing, so Link and Eponai jumped over the open gate that they didn't have to jump over because it was open just to horse(get it? GET IT? BECAUSE EPONA'S A HORSE! ROFLMFAOOL!) around. Epona ran up a thing and jumped over some big rolly rocks and they went to groin village. The weird thing about groin village today was that noone was there. Except for a really big gorion that was stuck in a room, and a really small groin that was rolling around like a rolly rock rollily.

"Y R U SMOL?" asked Link

"I am Puppergroin!"Replied the smol Goroin.

"Oh, okay. Where is everyone who is a goron?" asked Link.

"They're all getting eaten by the big dragon who is named Volvagina," replayed the smol Goron.

"NO! I SHALL SAVE THE GORONS FROM THIS VAGIAVOL DRAGON OF HORRIBLENESS!" Link exclaimed with heroic exclamations. "Where is this groin eating vagina Dragon?" Link asked.

"On top of DOOM Mountain," replayed the smol Goron.

"Cool beans!" Link exclamated and then ran off toward Mt. Death.

Link and Epona had to do some climbing, which was a problem for epona because she was a horse, but link tied a rope to navy and had navy carry her up the mountain so she was fine. There were some flying rocks too because the volcano was erupting. So navy and epona had to doge them. This made link mad at the vol canoe because it was trying to hurt his friends.

"STOP THAT!" shouted Link, so the flying rocks went back into the volcano which stopped erupting because it got all scared. "Sorry," Said the volcano apologetically. Then they went into the meth dountain, except eponyta stayed outside because volcanoes are too hot for horses. And navy stayed outside because volcanoes are too hot for fairies. So really only link went in.

There was a bridge so link went across it, but it suddenly burned up and Link fell into the lava, but because lava is dumber than link he didn't sink into it and could walk on it. So he had to walk to a thing and then jump over the lava and hookshot backup to where he was before. And then he had to climp a ladder and there was a room shooting fire out of nozzles, into a cage so link had to time his runs because fire is hot and he could get sweaty if he wasn't careful.

In the next room a baby dong undug out of the ground so link had to slash it, and it blue up a wall which had a chest with the map in it. Unfortunately as soon as Link took it out of the chest the map caught fire and burned to asses in his hand.

The next room had torch wall thingies and big like spongers. Link had to bonemerang the big like spongers before they could consume his shield. Then he went through a maze that was formed by some the torch wall thingies not torching. Link found a key, and there was a cage with groins in it so link unclocked it. The groins thanked him thankfully, then ran back off to gorn village. After awesoming his way through several far less impressive rooms, Link found a miniboss which was flare dancer. It kept dancing around the room trying to shoot fire at Link. But Link was in no mood for such tomfollious dogturdery. He hookshotted the flare dancer's core, ripping it bloodily out of its chest and slashed it until it stopped trying to reflame. He opened a chest and found the Gigaton Mallet.

In the next room was a switch that opened a door that wouldn't stay down when link stood upon it so link took out his new Kiloton Smasher and slammed it down onto the big button switch. The door quickly opened, fearing that it would be next if it didn't. Or because it connected to the switch, I'm not entirely sure which. It really could have easily been either. The next room had some crazy fire goop, but the Megaton Ham squished the goop quite nicely, which was nice.

Then he went. The next door had another flame singer inside it, but link easily defeated it with the Hammer of a Million Tons. Then a chest in which he found the big grate key that opened the great big door, behind which is the boss which is Pholphagia, so he did.

The dargon known as Volvagina came up and roared with fire coming form its roaring mouth of roars. It's furiously hungry face suggested great hunger for more goron meat, which was especially tasty to the dragon, who really liked goron meat, especially with a glass of delicious milk. But Link was in no mood for such Insane Bologna, and Head whacked Volovagia into the sun with his Migraine Slammer, which gave Philogavia a Headache of the migraine variety. Link got the new heart holster and danced the kokiri jig, for he was now a great hero knight, having defeated a true dragon.

Meanwhile, Daruknia came. "I am Darunai, the sage of pyro fire. Here is my sage badge for your plan." and also Darunia stayed a goron, but got smaller and thinner and looked real hot now so he and link had some yaoi slashing sex before he left, but that's another story. He went back outside where Navy and ponya were still standing there waiting. They went back to Kakario village and link put the chichkens back in their pen again for the chicken woman and then had sexual intercourse with her.

End of chapter.


	8. Chapter 8, the 8th chapter

And so it was that link Jumped off death mountain to get to zora's domain faster. He was falling forever but not literally, so he eventually crashed through the zora's domain sealing. Then he took the megaton hammer and swung it into the ice that was now freezing zora's domain and had been for seven years now. The ice broken, and the force generated by the swinging of the hammer which broke the ice generated enough heat to melt the borken ice, so the ice melted. A bunch of Zorons started whacking up as Link back flopped off the almost melted ice water and landed on a nearby land patch thingy.

"My fantastical awesomeness saves the day again!" Link said wisely and awesomely, then he remembered that he still had Ganon monsters to fight. "Right, time to fight more things." Link suddenly had a BRILLIANT IDEA, and played the song of time, it opened a time hole and he reached into the time vagina and borrowed the zora mask from his past future Majora's Mask self, then put it on and turned into a zora. So he jumped into the waiter and swam to Lake Hylia.

So then link swami down to the Water Temple, and found it so easy that it's not even worth writing about. He beat the boss of the temple easily and easily had sex with the hot zora named Princess Ruto because she's easy. But she's also kind of a bitch so he was pretty glad she turned out to be the sage of water, although she was unlikely to get repugnant because they were different sheep peas. The Link played the song of time again and returned the Zoraffe mask to the exact moment he took it from so that it woodn't cause a time pair of ducks or a time peach of ducks for that matter.

So since the water temple is easy moving on to other temples for chapter increasing goodness. Otherwise this one would be too short. Link went on to... oh screw it i'll describe it in detail. At least the boos fights.

Link hookshotted to the end of the water temple and Dark Leek tried to fight Link but Link was in no mood for such preposterous ridiculous, and tried to spin attack Dark Link, but Dark Link was in no mood for such intelligent strategery, and flack bipped and tried to slash Link. But Link was in no mood for such Senile Horsepetootery, he used Din's fur to burn Dark Link. But Dark Link was in no mood for such wise logic, so he burned some but not enough to die. Then Dark Link tried to jump slash Link, but Link was in no mood for such poopalopperous poopypoo. Link used Don's Fire again, this time burning Dark link to a crosp.

"Blargh! I am dead!" Cried Dark Link becuase he was dead.

Then link went to open the big bossy door that tried to boss him around swearing "Hey! Don't open me, goshdarn it! Roar!" But link ignored it and shoved the Big Key down its throat- I mean keyhole, which made it gag and try to cough it up, but link held the Big Key in place, forcing the big boss door to keep it in it's key hole. The key touched the back of the door's keyhole, it brushed it's tumblers in the most pleasurable way. It was as if the door's door body was being used against it, its body was betraying it. The door's eyes filled with tears, it had never felt so violated. Then Link turned the key and the door slowly opened, crying the entire time.

Then some liquid came out of the key suddenly, filling the door's keyhole. The bossy door felt ignored and violated, and didn't want to see Link anymore. It shut itself out from the world, trusting no one, until one day, it just had to go and see a therapist. The door cried its poor door heart out to the therapist, who consoled it sweetly, then explained that the door was an inanimate object, and needed to accept that. The door peacefully stopped caring about being violated and also stopped being sapient, at last finding peach.

Then there was a pool of water, which link swam in, but it came to life, but then it died because it was a monster that couldn't stand touching link who was the purest soul and therefore too awesome for water slime monster tentacles thingies to touch. And then there was a heartamajig container and a glowy portal and a sexy zora sage for link to have sex with sexily.

Then link went back in time to do some sidequests. First he got the skull mask and took it to the wannabe Damp kid. Who thanked link because it made him look more like Damp. Then link got the spooky mask and took it to the skull kid of the forest kid, who bought it cause it made him look more like a skull kid which he was so he wanted to look like one. Then link got the bunny hood, and sold it to the guy that runs around hyrule field really fast. The guy that runs around hyrule field real fast paid link eleventy hundred bajillion rupees and 5 million munny and 74.5 billion dollars because he paid link everything he had because he really wanted to be a guy that has bunny ears because he's a bunny furry.


	9. Chapter Eight

Chapter 8 Sidequeststore: gettin' the biggoronsword.

Dosclammer: Zelda don't not belong to me nohow or nothing. it's someone elses.

After defeating the water templeton Link needed a bigassgoronsword so he went to see the bigass goron that lived atop Mt. Da'ath but the bigass goron that lived atop death mountains' 'balls were hurting. His eyeballs, that is. His eyeballs were red and white and blue and poofy and shrunken and amercia. "I need a doctor subscription for eyeballdrops!" Said the bigass goron that lived atop death mountains. "k," said Link so he went to get a chicken egg from the chicken woman in Karaoke Village and maybe have sex with her again. She said it would take one more day to hatch so link played the sun's song to make it tomorrow, and the egg hatched into a fetch'nfred. Link gave the fetch'nfredchickenburger back to the chicken lady and she gave him a blue chicken, so link ran off to the forest for obvious reasons. But then he remembered that he forgot to have sex with her so he went back to have sex with her.

2 hours later:

IN THE WOODS OF FUCKING LOSTEDNESS!

Link played the forest minute to worp to the lost woods and ran to the other more lost part of the lost woods. In the lost words link found(Geddit?) a guy who neededed a blue chichken so link gave him it for a weird mushroom. The weird mushroom was weird because it got bigger when link rubbed it. Link didn't know a song that could warp to kakariok village yet so instead he simply stopped existing at the llost woods and started existing in kakarikoville. Link gave the weirdshroom to the ugly old witch that runs the ugly old potion shop and made link an ugly old potion. Link ran off fast back to the last woods and gave the pot back to the dude but he wasn't there no more so no he didn't and gave to a little korokiri girl instaed. She a give him a potion saw.

Then link jumped into the sky and flotted slowly down in gerudo valley where the gerudos lively and had SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with some gerudos, like 10 or 11. And found a tent and gave it the patchers saw. The tent coughed out a brokened bigassgoron's sword and a subscription for magic eyedrops that heal blindedness, which link to king zora.

"HEY LINK, DID YOU GIT PRINCESS RUTO TURNED INTO A SAGE?! I IS ANGRY!" King Zora whispered angrily.

"but isn't that like being a saint in the catholic religion that doesn't exist here and therefore pretty awesome?" link asked in confusion.

"Yeah but i'm not the religious type so I just want her back." said king zora with fatherliness.

"Wasn't she kind of a spoiled brat though?" Link queried.

"Oh yeah, you're right. I'm probably better off. Anyway, what can I do for you?" Zora lord axed.

"I need eyeballdrops for the bigass gorno on death mountain." Link death metal screamed with the force of a thousand death metal screams. "Because he's blinded by the ash that the mountain of death erupts out."

"Fantastic. One problem. I don't have a Frog." Said Zoron King.

So link picked up a frog. "Here's one."

"YAY!" Screamed King Zora with the force of a thousand screams, then he squezzed the frog into eyeballdrops to make magic eyeballdrops that cure blindness by curing blindness.

With eyeballs in his toe link went aback to domme mountain. He gave the bigassgroin his balldrops and he eyes were cured so the borken bigassgoron sword grew back together.

End of chatter


	10. Chapter 18

Dustclaimer: I am not the kind of person who owns legend of zelda. Those people usually have the first naem shigeru and the last name miyamoto and are named miyamoto musashi. And they wok for nintendo. I am not nintemndo, but a fan named nonbendo. It shouldn't be so easy to confuse me with nintendo, people, come on now. I am not nindento, I am nunbendo, Damn it!

Biggoner sword in foot, link was running all over hyrule field with the speed of a thousand runnings while riding his unicycle with the speed of a thousand rides and riding epona who was galloping with the speed of a thousand gallops. He was also juggling his juggling fish that he juggled and playing saria's song on the ocarina. Link was very good at multitasking. He was also very good at being the hero of time, so he knew that he had to go to the Temple of Dark Shadows of darkness next. But he wasn't sure where it was but he knew it was in kakariko village but not wear but he would find it.

Link ran and rode up a thing that was some stars to kakrakiko village, and rode his unicycle through town while dancing a kokiri jig on the unicycle seat and the unicycle was in eponas saddle. And someone came and said it was dangerous so link threw a juggling fish at that guy. The fish hit the guy in the face and sounded a gong that chimmed at the true heart of truth within his soul. And the guy stopped being anything except what he wanted to be, and thus turned into a girl version of link with two hand crossbows. And girl link ran off to be the female half of the truest soul except for sometimes when link turned into a girl to experiment because it was sometimes fun to have boobs for a while and all you guys out there know you would grow them on occasion if you could just to play with them.

And then link used his truest soul powers to sense where the shadow tmemple was and jumped down the well where it was. There were some torches so link utilized ding's fire to make a big firball that lit the fire torches. Then the entrance to the DarknessTheCurse temple opened with the force of a thousand openings. And then Link went. The inside of the shadow temple was very dark and shadowy, and the voice of darkness kept telling link that he needed the eye of truth, but Link was the truest soul, and since the eyes are windows to the soul, link already had the eye of truth, so link said so by saying "But DarknessJenny, I am the truest soul, so since the eyes are windows to the soul, I already have the eye of truth." and the voice of shadowyness replied "Dokie okkie!" And link went further in through a wall that wasn't a wall at all. The room he was in was big and circly and had a big block that you pushe d in a circley kinda way so link did and a door opened but it was behind a wall that wasn't a wall at all, so link went through it.

Next link entered a small, dank room that had six long spindly hands in a circle reaching out of the floor. The hands were covered in bloody sores, and smelled of an unnatural rot that can only come from undeath. A putrid stench that you know is something fundamentally wrong. They reached at Link and grabbed his arms and legs, and pinned him to the floor, forcing his face into the dirt. But Link was in no mood for such absurd silliness, and thus severed the arms with his brand spanking new Biggoron Sword! But then a glow the color of tarnished gold erupted in the shape of a big like sponger, but when the light faded a zombie with the body structure of an obese man appeared and it attacked.

Link used his Hylian shield to defend against it's wicked bites, and brought the biggoron sword down upon it's head, killing it with the force of a thousand deaths.

Then he back went.

He went through a direffent wall and was in a big huge room with a buncha Gillotines. Link went udder the blade of one of them and doged the blade so it didn't cut him in half. Then he went under the blade of anotter one and dodged the blade so it didn't cut him in hlaf. Then he went under the blade of anotter one and dodged the blade so it didn't cut him in hlaf. Then he went under the blade of anotter one and dodged the blade so it didn't cut him in hlaf. Then he went under the blade of anotter one and dodged the blade so it didn't cut him in hlaf.

Then he jumped acroos a thing and wnet in a room with a flying boots chest so he got the flying boots and flew all over the place. He flew through a shadowcurse thing and there was an invisible boatmobile that had an invisible dude playing the drums. Link was in no mood for a ridiculous bullshit fight, so he invited the insible guy, whose name lonk learned was Bongo Bonego, to start a band with him. Bongo Bongo was so touched by link's request, that he gave link a heart container, and let imp be the shadow sage without argument or protestation, and telepathically punched ganon in the brain as his letter of resonation.


	11. Chapter 10

Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Awesomeness Chapter 200!

Disclaimer: I AM NOT NINTENDO! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE THIS! YOU PEOPLE KEEP CONFUSING ME WITH NINTENDO, AND I'M NOT NINTENDO, I AM NINEBENDER! WE H4V3 BEAN OBER THIS SO FANY TIEMS, AND I AM HERR TO ASSSSURE YOU THAT I AM NODBEANO, NOT NINTENDO, DAMN IT!

And thatnks everone who has reviewed, I'm gona try to make this chaper nice and long and encompass 2 dunjons do it can bee the ende. So kind of a tow in won chaper. Also thanks everone your kind review words, i'm sory nobody man for not thanking you all sonner, in was rude of me. I think it's interesting to read because Link is relly cool and stuff, and it's just like how he is in the games really. I mean he falls into endless voids and then just telemorts back to were he was so he must be able to do stuf like that. And also he recarnates alot. And how is link a god mode sue? He can't be a sue cause he made a mistaked in chaper 5 and learned a lesbian from it, didn't you read the chapter. and also he's a guy so his name can't be sue. unless when he wasnts to turn into a girl i guess like in that one chaptter. But he is pretty godly, so I might have some peolp;e wroshpp him this chapter if you want, sure.

Link realized that four the next dungone he would beed a bigger magick meter, so he went to the great farties and had sexual intercourse with them, but i'll write that in a didfferent story because this fic is a t rated and that is mrated content for sure. But he totally did it, and then he went with the force of a thousand goings to the sprit temple, running and riding epona the hole way, but he didn't ride his unicycle in epona's saddle to avoid the dagner of a slip and fall again and becuaase he didn't qwant to this time/ so he had to go a biscuit slower.

Lunk went to the gordo forest in the desert and to the northwest tower to take to the gerudo in the northwest tower, who let him through the gate after a quickie with him. And link went on the hainted wastelands where the wild gibdoes were. Fearing his mighty sword, the gibdoes ran away in fear because they feared his mighty sword. So link went on riding epona who was simply caltropping now and not show galloping. Link longshotted and grapling hoked over some sandy rivers of qwiksand, then saw some flags that the gorudio had told him about. Apaprently they were walky pathmarkers that marked where the path was and everythong else was qwikdand. And then likn saw a poo ghast but this one was casper the friendly poo that I don't own, and led link through the dessert. Kink heeded into the big dessert collossal but not beforw the bombed the crackedy wall with a bomb bombily which exploded just like a bomb because it was a bomb and bombs explode like bombs. He had sex with the grate fiary that was there too, and the fairy also have him nayru's love, and then nayru came down out of heaven and gave nayru's love too because it's a wording loophole so she could have sex with link.

"Damn it, I wish I had named my spell something suggestive so I could have sex with link," Ding complained.

"Me too," Said Farore, so link tellportaled to heaven and had sex with them too. Then he had to get back to his quest. Then shriek came and taught link the recream of spurt. "You'll need the sliver gauntlets to get further, you already cheated with the lens of truth, don't cheat anymore, you'll anger the gods."

link laughed, "No I think at least 3 of the godesses are pretty happy with me right now." Laughed link.

"What's that supposed to mean?!" Shrek demanded.

"I shagged them rotten, baby," Link said, imitating Austin Powers, but Shriek hadn't seen that movie so he didn't get the reverence or even know what he meant, so he just told link to do it properly.

"Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Princess," Link declarated itrittably.

"What?!" shriek demanded in shock?! "How did you know?!"

"Shh, you will alert Ganon to your presents!" Link said, "I don't want him stealing my christmas gifts."

"Uh, right, i'll ask nicely, Please go back in time and get the silver gauntlets so you can rescue m... princess zleda properly!"

"See, now was that so hard to ask nicely," Link asked, and then he played the song of time to make a time hole and went through it to go back in time. Shriek was shrocked.

"He's breaking all the rules," Shrek loudly muttered.

"That's because he's the truest soul," said the triforce of wisdom.

"What does that mean?" Asked Sheik ignoramusantly and irritably.

"you are not yet relady to know!" The triforce of wisodm adonmished.

Sheik burst into tears and cried sadly at not knowing.

Link backtimewent to the spurt temble, and a hot gerudo asked him to crawl through a hole and bring her something in return for something good. He did and then she said to come back in seven so she wouldn't get in trouble then link played the snog of time again and marty mcfly came in his delorean mcfly and they went back to the future (ROFLMFAO, IT'S AN OLD MOVIE REFENCE LOL!). And link went back to the future using a time hole he had summoned with the song of time. Then he went inside the sprite temple and pushed pushed the block through the passage with ease. There was a beamos so link bombed it with a bombed it with a bomb. Link went left and a wolfers howled at him, so link boomeranged it to death with a boomerang with the force of a thousand boomerangs. And then he played zeldas lull a bye on the triforce floor. The chest had a compass and link used the compass which found him treauser. He went back and went right this time and was attacked by some boulders, so he picked up a nearby desert eagle that was just lying around and shot the boulder, sending them flying into other boulders and causing the boulders to fly back into the ceiling where they came from and destroying the magic involved so the ceiling explodded.

Link went through a door and a big like sponger fell off the sealing and tried to munch on his shield as a tasty snack, so link killed it angrily. There was a chest key so link grabbed it, and went back to the room with the locked door and used the key to unlock it. Link killed another big like sponge, and then climbed up a thing. Then there was a floormaster so link stabbed it to death with his big groin sword. Link rotated a spinny thing that needed rotating and it shined on a sun and opened a door. There was chests with oodles of rupes so link got them before he went. Link lit some torches with Ding's Fire, and he got a map.

Then link went up some stars and longshotted to a giant statues giant breasts and there was a chest with a small okey on them. then link had to samsh a rusty switch with his supper hammer. Link killed some things with ding's fire, burning them to death and killing them instantly. Link went into a room with four armey status next, but he couldn't reflect the sunshine yet. He saw a blue switch that wouldn't stay down so he yelled like a drill sergeant at one of the aromos statues, saying "Alright, maggot, git your ass over on that blue switch, move it moove it!" like the drill sergeant guy from goober pie(It's a really old military compedy.) the armos got all scared and ran over and stood on the switch and a door unlocked. There was some iron knuckels in the next room so link put them on and punched down a door aand got a mirror shield. Now he could deflect splels and maybe the sunlight since the mirror shield had a mirror on it because it was the mirror shield. Link got another key.

The next romo had a wall that kept running around into spikes, but there was a ladder link had to climb on, so link longshooted up a ladder then bombed a nearby beamos with a bomb. And then link went in the next room. Link sdng ghuof s mrsrnu nsttrf fppt eoyj xr;fs'd ;i;;snu and went through the barred door with the force of a thousand goings. There were torch slugs so link smahsed them with the gigaton hamemrthere was a buncha fake doors and link blue them up. There was a gold eye switch like in Dong's cavern, so link picked up a nearby desert eagle that was just lying there and shot it and it closed and link floated up high where a pillow appeared and there was a treasure chest on it with flames aroudn it, so link jumped over the flames, but accidentlally landed in them a little bit so he got a bit sweaty, but he got the boss key anyway. Link mirrored some sunlight on a sun and then the room turned into room with the big statue, so link mirrored some sunlight onto it's breasts and it's dress came off and link had to go into it's crotch where the boss door was.

It was twin rover, and they were two witches and they flew around on brooms casting spells at him. But link was in no mood for such mad ludicrosity! He mirrored the spells back at them and then big groin sworded them with the force of a thousand big groin swords, and they ded.

And then Gerudo lady turned into the spurt sage Navyroo and kept her promise and they sexed. But that's a different fanfic that will be m rated. And then link ran back to high rule castle town. I know its spelled hyrule but my spelling checker keeps saying hirule is spelled rong nda I hat3 the stoopid redd marc thingy.

And then link rode epona while running and dancing a kokiri jig back to hyrule castle town. And shrek was back there. "Link, I am Princess Zelda," said Shrek. Then a huge voice from the castle bellowed, "I KNEW IT!" and ganon appeared giantly and tried to steal princess zorlda. But link was in no mood for such RIDICULOUS BULLSHIT! he leapt and ran up Ganon's arm and punched him in the faucet with the force of a thousand punches, and then stabbed him in the heart with the master sword with the force of a thousand master sword stabs, killing him instantly but only temporarily and ganon died but only temporarily because killing things kills them but the triforce of power brings them back after a while.

"Link, you were supposed to wait to kill him until he brought me back to the castle," Zelda sad

Link sighed exasperatedly, "would it make you feel better if I used my truest soul powers to show you what it wood have locked like if I had waited for him to kidnap you like some sort of dumbass."

"Yes, I suppose," Zelda replied, slightly mollified.

"Okay here you go," Link said and made a big hologram with his truest soul powers and in the hologram link stood there while giant ganon put zelda in a rupee and took her to the castle, and then link unicycled after them while riding epona.

Zelda gasped at the hologram, "Link, you shouldn't ride a unicycle on horseback while juggling fish like that, you could drop a fish and slip on it, and then anything could happen!"

"Beyonce is kind of terrible for having child slavery sweatshops," Said a cabin boy.

"I AM THE TRUEST SOUL AND NEED FEAR KNOW RESTRICTION AND YOU NO IT!" Link whispered in a screaming roaring voice with the loudness of a thousand loud whispers.

"Oh yeah," Admitted Zelda.

Back to the holograph.

Link ran into the castle like an enraged madman with furious focus, seeking to destroy ganon with the force of a thousand destructions. He pulled out his biggroinsword and slashed at some moblins that came at him with big murderous polearms, killing them instantly. Then ripsmashed through a nearby wayy waith a hurricang sworkd spinned attack. On the other sided were a thousand borkaoblins. Link spinned attack them all wiith his biggroinsword. Their wicked blood splattered all over the wallsk, flowing drown and smearing all over everything, and they all pooped their nonexistant pants because that happens when you die, getting poop all over everything and it was preety gross to be completely honest.

Link ran up a thing and went into a hole in the wall and there was copy of the waster temple and link ran on the water and stabbed some blue tekties that tired to jump on him, then went thorough a door and there was a big tentacle boss like back in the water temple, but link was in no mood for such asinine preposterosity. So he megaton hamemmered it's nukular to megadeath.

Then link went through another door and there was a fire temple clone, and link simpley ran on the larva because link is smarter than larrva and can therefore stand on it because I learned in sciene class you can stand on something that your'e smartter than though I don't know why it's pretty weird.

And then link wnet through a doro and their was another dragone, but linkk was in no mood for such silly stupidity and megaton hemmared the dragon wilth the force of a thousand meagaton hamemers killing it.

Then link foguht another gohma, but it sensed that link was in no mood for such preposterous inanity, and ripped out it's own eeye to dye rather than face link. Unfortunaltey for the gohma it bled all over link which pissed link off, so link grabbed gohma's soul and forced it back into gohma's body, then killed gohma again because he was pissed off.

Then there was agothen bingo bango, so link decided to do a quick jam with him because he hadn't had much chance to practice in their band yeti.

Tjem tennova came back, and throw fireballs and ice at link, but link was in no mood for such inane horsepoo, and reflecltied all the fire and ice back at the aproporate one, killing them. And they died a lot. And then link got the really big super boss key, and used it on the really big super boss door. And nautically, ganondalf was on the otter aide of it. Link decided it was time to get serious, so he got on his unicycle. He pulled out his juggling fish. He pulled out his master sword, and the biggornsword. He unicycled through the door with furious flame in his eyes and even more furious flame in his heart.

Ganondorf was playing an organ, so link pulled out the ocarina and played along, matching Ganondorg's playinng note for not. Ganonkork was getting annoyed at all the mimicry. And finally sotood up and glarded at link with the force of a thousand glares. But link made his will save, for he had a +100,000,000 circumstance bonus, and advantage, due to being in no mood for SUCH! RIDICULOUS! BULLSHIT! Then ganon started fighting link, throwing eldritch blast after eldritch blast after link, but link whacked back them with the mastard sword, and slapped ganongorn with his juggling fish, and then slashed gandalf with the master sword a lot. And ganonderp died buyt came back a ass pig boar monster dude, and tried to knock the master sword out of link's hand, but link telkensaid his master sword at gangnon like some sort of jedi or something, stapping ganon in the hoart. Ganon then died. Then ganon blew up the castle with a magic spell so link telportaled out.

"That was pertty cool link. Now let's have sexual intercourse," suggested zelda.

"Okie dokes," said link and they fucked because they wanted to because they were both relly hot and over the age of 18 because link was 11 when he started, in case you forgot, but that's an mrated scene that will be written elsweyr.

The end, but there will be some epic logs, because every great story has at least one epic log!


	12. Epic Log 1

Legend of Zelda: Oracina of Awesoemness Epic Log # 1

Discalimer: You know this by now, but I don't own legend of zleda, fanfic makes me put discalimers in every chaper though and by golly gosh does it ever get tedious.

Link goes home to talk to his mom.

Link played the snog of time with zelda to go back to the past, and when he did they went in a link walloped ganondorf on the nogginhead with the force of a thousand wallops and ganondorf unconciousbussed and they shoed the king his evil plans that he was keeping in his back pocket because that is where one keeps evil plans, naturally.

Ganondorf was promptly decapitated by execution. The king rewarded link with more rupees even though link was already rich, having had 100,000,000,000,000,000 rupees from all the rupees that he found with his awesome rupee finding skills, and all the rupees people gave him for doing sidequests and stuff. So now link was even more richerer. Then link thought of a new technique that allowed him to get home quickly, and began to hurricaine spin with his sword, and soon he was flying thorough the air like a helicopter. "I think the most logical name for this technique is the spinny missile flight technique!" Link shouted to the world intelligently.

Link got back to korkiri forest and went to his house, who was his mom, it said so in a youtube video called link's mom is a house so if you don't believe me WELL YOU CAN JUST BLOODY WELL SEARCH YOUTUBE FOR IT! **BREATHES SUPERFAST LIKE AN ENRAGED PERSON! **Just search youtube for link's mom is a house if you're gonna sit there and call me a big fat liar that goes around lying about video games, I'd link it just to prove I'm telling the truth but fanfic doesn't allow linking. Anyway link went up to his momtreehouse and said, "Hi mom, I saved princess zelda and all of hyrule."

"That's great hon! Btw somebody put a cow in here I think, i've been hearing mooing, but I can't see because i'm a house and don't have eyes!" Link's momtreehouse shouted excitedly.

"Huh... wait but houses don't ears either do they?" asked Link.

"Well you know what they say. The WALLS have EARS!" (GET IT? IT'S A JOKE! ROFLMAOOO I AM HILARIOUS AND STUFF AND SO FRICKIN' FUNNY LOLOLOLOL I MAKE MYSELF ROFL ALL THE TIME LOLOLOLOL THE WALLS HAVE EARS ROFFLES AND FRENCH ONION DIP!)

"K well, hang on," and link ran off to karakiko village to get the lens of truth and turn it into a pair of glasses for his momtreehouse. But when he got back, there was a bus driver with four legs there, and the bus drivers bus also had four legs. He wore a bus driver uniform and was a bit mutated and so was the bus.

"Hi Link, there's treble! And you're the truest soul!" said the four legged mutant bus driver urgently.

"Where's the treble?!" Link asked worriedly.

"Everywhere, in every universe," said the four legged mutant bus driver.

"Can it wait? I have to give my momtreehouse these magic glasses so she'll be able to see."

"Sure thing, link. It's a time and space bus. It travels through time and space, I literally have all the time in the omniverse."

"Cool beans," said link and went to give his momtreehouse the glasses.

"Thanks link, being able to see again is nice," said link's momtreehouse.

Then link fed the cow some deciduous hay and then went with the fourlegged mutant bus driver who drove the fourlegged mutant time and space bus!


	13. Epic Log 2

Epic Log #2: Zelda's Tragic Madness

dIScalimer: ...I don't own zelda...

Future zelda was still trying to get the triforce of wisdom to explain to her what the deal was with link, but it continued to say "you are not yet ready to know." zelda continued to sadly cry sadly because not knowing this was tearing her apart. Was there a power greater than the triforce? Was there a wisdom higher than that of the gods. Her thirst for knowledge drove her to find out. Finally she ordered the triforce to tell her. It sighed. "Very well, but you'll go mad from the revelation." it explained how everything in the universe was a lie structure imposed by stupid orderly gods that wanted to bind unlimited possibilty into stupid orderliness, and how most people's souls were asleep, chained by restriction.

It explained how it was actually demise that had created hyrule in the first place, by binding a section of the goddesses' heaven of unlimited possibility into a prison for the souls it would create, the goddesses merely placed pathways that would allow mortals to return to freedom, one of which was the triforce. And they sent link to incarnate into mortality, as the truest soul link would lead by example, freeing whom he could. As the reincarnation of hylia, this rang true to her, but her mortal mind screeched and strained against the revelation, and she turned into Jevil from deltarune, but in hyrule, so she built a prison around the whole world, concentrating all the freedom into one tiny little room, which she now inhabited.


	14. Epic Log 3

Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Awesomeness Epic Log # 3

A Truly Epic Log.

In the forest temple ventured a lumberjack who was eating a hearty breakfast. He had to eat it on the go, but he was eating ten pancakes which he was washing down with a glass of milk. He went on and there was a really big tree that he just had to cut down because he knew that it wood be a truly epic log.

He went up to the really big tree and pulled out his handaxe, looked at it, looked at the really big tree, then shook his head and threw the handaxe away. He pulled out a bigger axe and looked at it, looked at the really big tree, then shook his head and threw the bigger axe away. He pulled out his biggest axe and started chopping away at the tree. But because this was the lost woods, he never found his way out. They say he's a tree now, the forest used him to replace the tree he chopped down. And in the end he made an even bigger tree, that screams into the night with howls of madness because it wants to be a pearson again.

And that is the epic log of the epic conclusion of this epically epic tale, known as the legend of zelda ocarina of awesomeness. All great stories have at least one epic log, most have only one, but this story is three times as epic as the best stories, so it deserves three. Good night, I am not a duck, have a pleasant tomorrow.


End file.
